Why do I identify myself as a Christian?
I grew up and still live in a part of the country affectionately known as “the Bible Belt.” Raised in a traditional denomination, we were in church every time the doors opened. Grandpa was a deacon, and Grandma sang in the choir. It was little surprise that I was baptized before my 8th birthday.
But I had dedicated myself to church, and not to Christ. I knew about Jesus, but I didn’t know Jesus. I was all about following the rules, but lacked the relationship.
The older I got, the more church became a chore and a tradition rather than anything real or meaningful in my life.
I was then, as I am now, a geek. But being into fantasy (DnD), computers, Star Wars, and Marvel in those days wasn’t cool like it is today. It was weird, especially among the church crowd.
There was no more acceptance, or feeling of belonging, at church than there was at school. The church kids bullied and harassed me just as much. Church was little more than another extracurricular activity.
Atlas Shrugged and Philosophy 101 paved the way to rejecting God
A friend gave me Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand as a high school graduation gift. This was a massive book of almost twelve hundred pages, but I burned through it over the summer. Being raised in a staunch conservative household, her strong free-market capitalist views resonated.
I became intrigued by her writing and eventually read everything Ayn Rand had written, fiction and nonfiction. I liked her ideas, and I wanted to integrate them into my worldview, but there was a problem. Without a doubt, Rand hated God.
I headed off to college and had the stereotypical Philosophy 101 class where the professor embarrasses the Christians for their flimsy beliefs. Raised in the church, I had never had to defend my beliefs. I was the apologetical equivalent of an eighty-pound weakling.
(Apologetics is the intellectual defense of the Christian faith.)
Christ had never been real to me. As the semester continued, I found myself more and more swayed by the professor’s arguments. Plus, without an objection to her atheism, I could fully integrate Rand’s ideas into my worldview.
I abandoned the faith, church, or even calling myself a Christian. I claimed Deism, then Agnosticism, and then full on Atheism.
But what I truly lived out was epicureanism or hedonism. It should be little surprise that I partied my way out of school after two years. My dad kicked me out, and I was working a dead-end job.
The girl
But one day, I met a girl at work. Her beautiful blue eyes stopped me dead in my tracks. I flirted with her constantly. It was so bad we had to be separated into different work areas at one point.
But when I asked her out, she shut me down hard. There were two problems. One, she was seeing someone else. Two, she was a strong Christian. The most she could do was offer me a one-way trip to the friend zone. I readily accepted.
Over the next year, I floundered for meaning and purpose in the universe, I explored the New Age movement and Eastern Mysticism. Fascinating stuff, really, Ying Yang, Chakras, the great Brahma.
Then, in what became the weirdest night of my life, she called me, clearly distraught, and asked if I could come see her. When I got there, it was obvious she had been crying. She confided to me she had discovered her boyfriend was cheating on her. I wanted to be a good friend and empathize with her. I said all the right things, but on the inside, I was dancing. My attraction to her had never cooled. A week later, I told her that whenever she was ready to date again; I wanted to take her out.
She put one condition on accepting. In order to spend time with her, I had to go with her to church. I figured I knew all the intellectual arguments against the faith. Being in the building would not hurt me or affect me in any way. I could sit through an hour of some guy talking to gain her heart. She was so worth it.
These Christians had something I lacked
As we grew closer, I was amazed at how everything I loved about her, she attributed to God. I noticed that the people I liked and respected the most in my life were all active Christians. I still didn’t know if Christianity was true or not, but regardless, I couldn’t deny that it seemed to make good people.
More time passed, and I reached the point where I wanted in my life what these people seemed to have in theirs. But I was pretty sure that once you renounced the faith, that was it. You were done. Game over, man, game over.
I talked to people I trusted who assured me God could forgive me. My very desire to reconnect with Him was the confirmation that the destination was there. He was ready and willing to forgive me, even for my atheism, denying He even existed.
I still hadn’t had all my intellectual arguments satisfied. When I was honest with myself, it was never really about those, anyway. It was about control of my life, being able to do what I wanted to guilt-free. Ultimately, it was more about people who I respected and who took an interest in me as a person who convinced me there was something to this Christianity thing. I would return to Christ, if He would have me.
Resolving my questions
Whereas Rand paved the path that led me away from God, C.S. Lewis helped me return. Mere Christianity became a book I read over and over. That led me to Narnia and many of the awesome Christian speculative writers I enjoy today.
Over the years, I found several other Christian Apologists. In addition to Lewis, I enjoy the work Lee Strobel, William Lane Craig and others. In time, all my intellectual arguments were satisfied at least to the level of what the Mythbusters might call “Plausible.” Each resolved question solidified a faith that was already in me.
I’ve wondered sometimes if my conversion at 8 years old was real, but ultimately that doesn’t matter. Today, I claim to be a follower of Christ, and I pray that my life, both online and offline, reflects that.
But I’m far from perfect, and I mess up more times than I can count. The crazy thing is, I still wrestle with my doubts. But that’s okay. God isn’t scared of my doubts or questions. He’s not insecure, He’s confident.
I know God loves me and He sent His Son to die for me, and that if I ask, He is faithful and just to forgive my mistakes, and my doubts. He sees me as He sees his own Son, perfectly acceptable to him.
Your turn
That same opportunity is there for you. God loves you. The Bible says that He wants everyone to come to Him. No amount of good deeds, or being a good person, will do it. He offers the free gift of His Son to you. I know it isn’t popular to say, but it all comes down to your decision. I would encourage you to get on the journey.
If you’d like to talk to someone, I’m available any time. Contact me any of these ways: http://linktr.ee/tedat.